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Fancy a chuckle?

Discussion in 'The Thailand Vapers Lounge' started by judas, Mar 11, 2015.

  1. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

    No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

    Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

    Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

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    The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

    Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

    Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
    continued.

    "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
     
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  2. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.

    He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

    The operator at the other end said: "Are they in your house?"

    He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

    The operator said there were no cars available at that time.

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    He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

    "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well, you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

    Within seconds there were three police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

    After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

    The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"
     
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  3. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

    He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

    He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy): "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."

    [​IMG]

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    She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

    The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!
     
  4. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

    While on the operating table, she has a near-death experience.

    During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it.

    God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

    Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck - you name it, she had it.

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    She even has someone come in and change her hair color.

    She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

    She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

    She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

    "Oh sorry, " Said God. "I didn't recognize you."
     
  5. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

    He's inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it's being used, and by whom.

    "Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"

    "Yes. My husband and I use it during intercourse," she answers.

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    The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.

    "Um, er... I admire you for your honesty," he continues.

    "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"

    "Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
     
  6. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive.

    The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women.

    During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college's conservative values.

    She asked the freshmen: "In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

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    The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption.

    At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions.

    One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

    "How do you make it last for a whole hour??"
     
  7. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'

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    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.
     
  8. Bantorvaper
    Mellow

    Bantorvaper Well-Known Member

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  9. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

    He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

    The letter read: "Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna"

    The postal worker was touched.

    He showed the letter to all the other workers.

    Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

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    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

    The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

    Christmas came and went.

    A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

    All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

    It read: "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

    "By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!"
     
  10. Rick O-Shea

    Rick O-Shea iStick Fanboy

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  11. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree.

    He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over, to the hunter's horror, it discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Fortunately for him, some hunters nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance.

    Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

    [​IMG]

    Like
    "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    "Tell me the good news first, please," said the hunter.

    "Well, the good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

    "What's the bad news then?' asked the hunter.

    "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.”

    "Oh no, I mean, at least I'm alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother a plastic surgeon?''

    “Not exactly...' answered the doctor delicately. 'He's a flute player in the local symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss all over the bathroom.'
     
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  12. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, "I need a favor. I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?"

    Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

    After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions - just to keep him occupied.

    [​IMG]
    After some time the wise Rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what are you really up to?"

    Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

    The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder and said, "You'd better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!"
     
  13. Jayz

    Jayz Well-Known Member

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    [​IMG]


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
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  14. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive golf course, lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix!"
    The wife teed up and it was a very powerful shot, taking it right through the window of the biggest house on the course with a crash. The husband cringed and said "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

    [​IMG]

    They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

    "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

    "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me! I'm allowed to grant three wishes, and I'll give you each one wish and keep the last one for myself."


    [​IMG]
    "Wow, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year

    for the rest of my life!"

    "No problem. It's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world!" she said.

    "Consider it done!" the genie replied.

    "And what's your wish genie, now that you're finally free?" asked the husband.

    "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

    The husband looked at the wife and said "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. Afterward, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said: "How old is your husband anyway?"

    "38," she replied.

    "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
     
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  15. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    Ned decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Carl, so they loaded up Ned's minivan and headed north.

    After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.


    "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

    "Don't worry." Ned said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

    The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

    [​IMG]

    Like


    About 2 years later, Ned got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

    He dropped in on his friend Carl and asked, "Carl, that night at the barn, in that farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 2 years ago, do you remember it?"

    "Sure I do." said Carl.

    "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night and pay the widow a visit at the house?"

    "Well, um, yes..." Carl said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

    "And did you happen to give her a false name?"

    Carl's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm really sorry, buddy. I panicked a bit and gave her your name, actually. Why do you ask?"

    "Because I'm rich. she just died and left me everything."
     
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