Fancy a chuckle?

Three little lads were on their way home from school when one of them noticed a red Ferrari parked at the side of the road.

He said: "When I'm older I'm going to get a great job and buy one of them."

The second lad said: "I am going to university to get a great education, and a great job and buy one also."

The third lad says: "I'm going to get a job like my sister."


The other two asked what she did.

"She's a prostitute."

"What's a prostitute?" the other two ask.

"I don't know, but that's my sister's car."

 

GOLF ON CHRISTMAS MORNING:

Four old blokes were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his pals, and play a round. His pals all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first bloke says, "Boy, this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it".

Number 2 bloke says, "My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 bloke says, "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

Number 4 . . .They all turned to the last bloke in the group who is staring at them like they all had lost their minds."I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the arse and said: "Well Babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf, and she said. . . . . . . .


'"Take a sweater'".

 

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.
"I found out from the neighbors that you've been having an affair with that cheap secretary in your office! Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been a good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we make love!"

Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"



"No, not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when!"

He climbs on top of Sadie and begins to have intercourse.

"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! OY!" Moans Sadie. "You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I've had!"

 

thats really awful..

 

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.



At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems, the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? You idiot, he's not deaf - he's BLIND!"

 

Tom was a single man living at home with his father and working in the family business.He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.

Tom wanted two things:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance and,

• to find a wife to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.





"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.


Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.




Women are so much better at estate planning than men…

 

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.


"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.


"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

 

A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied.


The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time."





"What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but.

The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded.

"It's true. We never fight."

"PLEASE," begged the traveler, "can you tell me your secret?"

"Well," said the old man, "it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.'

"We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say:'That's two.'

"Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said:'That's three.' She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!'

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"My wife looked me straight in the eye and said:'That's one.'

"And we haven't had a fight since."

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.

When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies.


"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, evidently getting a bit hot under the collar by this point. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, touching his lips.

"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' room."

 

A man from New York City found himself in a spot of bother after the IRS returned his tax return to him due to an incorrectly-answered question.


One of the questions on his tax return asked him to list his dependents.

A few days later, they received the following response: “12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and numerous others who call themselves politicians, but are in fact nothing of the sort.”


In a strongly-worded letter accompanying the man’s tax return, the IRS responded: “This answer is completely unacceptable and an insult to this government institution.”

In turn, he replied: “I thought it was quite detailed. Who did I leave out?”

 

Sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.


"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest ! What should I do ?"


The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, "Hair on his chest ? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:

"Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: "Hair on his legs? He's your husband, it's your wedding night, go upstairs."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:

"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half! What should I do?"


The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:

"A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I'll go upstairs."

 

Subject: New Primary Care Doctor!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town.


The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk!


Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.

So they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

**The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.**