Fancy a chuckle?

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A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat, it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.

**Updated**

Fantastic News concerning Pensions and Benefits in the UK .
Page down :
نوراگررفتسايهپيدانيستنقشديواروچشمخيره
مانقشسايهدگرنميداننوراگررفتسايه. ررفتنوراگررفتسايهپيدانيستنقشديواروچشمخيرهمانقشسايهدگرنميداننوراگررفتسايه. ررفتديواروچشمخيرهمانقشسايهدگرنميداننوراگررفتسايهپيدانيستنقشديواروچشمخيرهماسايهديواروچشمخيرهمانقشسايهدگرنميداننوراگررفتسايهپيدانيستنقشديواروچشمخيرهماپيدانيستنقشIf I hear anything else, I'll let you know,
cheers, Ray

 

This one reminded me so much of my father's type of antic I had to post it:

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I am 'was ' a 4 times a week man, loved my 5 mile walk (not every time) once a month now, do miss the walking. just seen judas has posted what i was going to post
'bugger it'.

**Updated**

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years...

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!
"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since last night… Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"
“I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie... She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading '50 Shades of Grey....”
“On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.”
And then she said,"Do whatever you want."
“So… Here I am..!”



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**Updated**

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was recently on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond. SHE Hosts, 'Good Morning Britian'for TV AM. In their conversation he used the word "Mañana" (pronounced "man-yana").
Anne Diamond then asked him to explain what it meant.
Iglesias said that the term means:.

"The Job Maybe Tomorrow Will be done;
Maybe The next Day;
Maybe The Day After that;
Or Perhaps next week;
Next month;
Next year.
Who really cares? "

The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe (Australian aboriginal) who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in the Australian language.
"Eh" he replied, "In Australia we do not have a word to describe such a high degree of urgency.".

 

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

 

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?

Slap her on the backside and tell her to get back to work.

**Updated**

I always heard this a bit different:

How do you kill a womens sex drive?

Feed her wedding cake.

**Updated**

The three rings of marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffer-ring

**Updated**

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

 

This is such a heart warming story
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

**Updated**

The lawyer says: "I have good news and bad news."

The CEO replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of $2 million."

The CEO replies enthusiastically: "Well done, that is very good news indeed! You've made my day; now what is the bad news?"

The lawyer answers: "They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary."?

**Updated**

A man goes to a public golf course.
He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says,
"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says,
"The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course.
But - we just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take onewith you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.”
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee,
looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood.
A driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball,
and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance.
And this was the way the rest of the game went - The robot's suggestions werealways correct and the man's entire game was the best game he had ever played.
A week passed, and the excited golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering,he turned to the man behind the counter and said,
"I would like 18 holes of golfand one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holesis no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS ? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots ? They were incredible !"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they weremade of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black ?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work,two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the other one thinks he's the President !”

 

For all the Americans....

The Pope visits a hospital in NYC. As he follows the head physician through the halls he looks into a room and sees a nurse giving a patient a hand job.

The Pope asks the physician "What is going on here"

The physician "Oh Father, this patient has a rare testicular condition in which he needs released once a day or he could have sever problems"

The Pope decides to accept the doctor's rational and looks into the next room where he sees a nurse on the table giving a patient a blow job.

The Pope asks "What is this gentleman problem?"

The physician: "Same problem, better HMO (Health care company)"

 

Man walking down a California beach and sees a genie lamp. Gives it a rub and a genie pops out and says he only gets one wish.

The man has always wanted to see Hawaii but is scared to fly and gets sea sick, so he decides to ask for a bridge from LA to Hawaii.

The genie looks at him for a second and says "Do you know the amount of engineering, natural resources, disruption to the eco system that would require???? Is there something else i can get you?"

The man thinks for a second and says "I got it, and it will not cost a thing. Help me understand women"

The genie thinks for a second and reply s "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
Lying is a Sin
In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings: Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor ?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father..... Next please!'

**Updated**

An Austrian maid asks the wife who employs her for a pay raise.

The wife became very angry about this and decided to talk to her about this raise.

She asked, “Now Anna, why do you think you should get a pay increase?"

Anna: “Well, Madam, there are tree reasons why I wunt the increaze. The 1st is that I do iron better than you."

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Anna: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “that's a lie, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your hozban he did.”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Madam… The gardener did.”

(A moment of silence passes...)

"So, how much do you want?”