Fancy a chuckle?

An OFSTED inspector asked the children in a 3rd year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The inspector, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said but to continue with his questions.

"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Johnny’s tart!"
Who Dares Wins



--)

**Updated**

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! ...
Two asses they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'The lady can't take this anymore
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this countrywe don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"'Heycoola down lady' said the man
“Whooza talkin' about sex?”
“I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell “Mississippi”
$5.00 says you're going to read it again!


Edited to remove double post & personal information

 

Kiwis and Ozzies won't have any trouble reading the following but all other English-speakers may so I hope you can read NZ.

Condom factory burns down in New Zealand:

Helen Clarke, ex-Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W'ill be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call Tony Abbott. Tell him we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

She finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"
Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few sips, he notices a jar full of 10$ bills.
He asks the barman:
"what's this jar full of money?"
The barman answers:
"Oh... it's a bet. You gotta put 10$ in it and then perform 3 tasks. If you succeed, you win all the money in the jar".
"But what are the tasks ?"
"I can't tell you before you put 10$ in the jar... All i can say is that nobody ever was able to do it"
The guy, curious, reaches his wallet and put a 10$ bill in the jar.
So the barman explains to him:
"Well, the first task is to drink this whole bottle of spicy tequila without making any grimace. The second one is to remove a decayed tooth from the pitbull outside with your bare hands. The third one is to go upstairs and give an orgasm to my Grand-mother... Just to let you know, she seems to be frigid as she never came during her entire life".
The guy then said: "Damn... That's some nasty shit to do... Forget it, i'm not crazy..."
"Up to you" says the Barman.
A few beers and Sambuca shots later, the guy is totally drunk and screams to the barman: "F**ck it, give me that Tequila bottle... Let's do this" !
The barman gives the bottle to him and the guy starts opening it. He reach his mouth and drinks it like a beast. He finishes it and is in pain. Tears are coming from his eyes but his face doesn't move at all.
He smacks the bottle on the floor and starts to go outside. People inside hear screams, barks for 3 long minutes before silence...
The guy comes back in the bar. His clothes are ripped apart, he is limping and his arms and face are bleeding.
He then screams to the crowd: "Now where is your grandmother with her decayed tooth ?"

 

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says,
"Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping
trips to Paris.

No more wintering in Barbados.

No more summers in Tuscany.
No more Jaguar in the garage.

No more yacht club.

No more credit card and large Bank accounts.

But.... The decision is all yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is much prettier," she replies with a smile.

 

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

Now how does that sound?"

He said, " That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."



--

 

I have a fiancee, she is amazing. We've been together for about 4 years and a few months ago, we decided that we should marry next month.
My only problem with her is... Her sister ! She's 20 years old, an angel face on a pornstar body. Every time she is around me, she smiles at me
or bend over to let me see her panties. Sometimes, she even sensually touch me without anyone noticing.
Yesterday, my fiancee's sister called me to tell me that she needed me to come over to speak about the wedding organization. When i went there,
i noticed she was home alone, wearing a mini-skirt and a very tight shirt... She told me that she always had feelings for me and that she wanted me
to have sex with her, only one time, before i got married with her sister.
"Come join me upstairs, in my bedroom." she said.
I looked at her climbing the stairs and at the top of the stairs, she took off fer panties and threw it in my direction.
I stood there for a long minute and finally took the direction of the front door. I opened it and her father was standing right there, outside the house.
He looked a me for a second and then hugged me while tears came from his eyes.
"I'm so happy that you will be part of the family... I knew you will pass this little test ! Now, we are sure that you are a decent man and that you will make my daughter happy !"

Morality of this story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

**Updated**

Jack and Maggy are sleeping in their bed when they wake up hearing a guy screaming in the street.
Jack looks at the clock, it's 4am... The guy keeps screaming... So Jack opens the window and screams back:
"Come on now... It's 4am, shut up !!!"
The guy in the streets answers:
"Maaaaaaan, come push me ! I need you to come give me a push here !"
Jack, noticing that the guys sounds really drunk says:
"Stop it now for god's sake, people are sleeping !"
He's going back to bed but the guy keeps screaming "Come push me, pleaaaaaase !"
Maggy then look at Jack ans says:
"Really, Jack, i don't recognize you now... The guy has a car breakdown and you won't help him ?"
Jack: "Oh come one... It's too late... And he is obviously drunk"
Maggy: "So have you never been drunk before ? Did you never had a car breakdown? I'm really disappointed in you not helping this poor man. "
"Pff... Alright..." says Jack...
He stands off the bed, takes his coat, walk down the stairs, goes out of the house and screams:
"ok, i'll come push you, where are you ?"
And the guy answers:
"Heeeeeeeeere, on the swing !!!!"

 

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was. In a subdued voice he replied, "Do you remember that jewellers' we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?" Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said, "Yes, of course I remember that shop."




"Well, I'm in the pub next door."






--

 

A man enters a bar with a shotgun and screams:
"I want to know who f**ked my wife ?"
When a voice emerges from the back of the bar:
"You surely don't have enough bullets !"

 

There's an annual contest at Bond University, Australia, calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's chosen term was "political correctness".
The winning student wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical f**kwittedminority, and promoted by anequally f**kwittedmainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."

 

How about some Adult Fairy Tales:

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly . . . . Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey,
"You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________

And something more modern . . . . . . . .

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

 

> A woman was at her hairdresser's gettingher hair styled for a trip to
> Romewith her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
> responded:
>
> “Rome?Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..
> You're crazy to goto Rome ... So, how are you gettingthere?"
>
> "We're going BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
>
> "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. “That’s a terribleairline. Their
> planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they'realways
> late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
>
> "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’sTiber River
> called Hotel Teste."
>
> "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’sgonna be
> something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
>
> "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see thePope."
>
> "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million otherpeople
> trying to see him, he'll look the size of an ant.
>
> Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
>
> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser
> asked herabout her trip to Rome
>
> "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we ontime in
> one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped
> usup to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
> handsome28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
>
> And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodelling
> job, andnow it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were
> overbooked, sothey apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
> extra charge!"
>
> "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, butI bet
> you didn't get to see the Pope."
>
> "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a
> SwissGuard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
> to meet someof the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his
> private room andwait, the Pope would personally greet me.
>
> Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and
> shook myhand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
>
> "Oh, really! What'd he say?"
>
>
> He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

 

The 'United Way (a charity)' realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a 'United Way' volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,
'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity.
Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the 'United Way' ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness
and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'Embarrassed, the 'United Way' rep. mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?The stricken 'United Way' rep. begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled
and another that has learning disabilities, requiring an array of private tutors?'The humiliated 'United Way' rep. completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says,
'So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

 

Boobs vs. Willies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

 

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf everySaturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a localStrip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.
"Oh no," says Vern. " He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse andStorms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps inBeside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELDTHIS COMING FRIDAY.



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