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Fancy a chuckle?

Discussion in 'The Thailand Vapers Lounge' started by judas, Mar 11, 2015.

  1. judas
    Amused

    judas Thread Starter Lethargic Member

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    Got any good or even not so good jokes? then post them here.

    Came across this one a few minutes ago, gave me a chuckle:


    An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was the romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

    One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

    The husband text back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
     
    Birky, Masselkopp, Nowhereman and 9 others like this.
  2. debatedude
    No Mood

    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
     
  3. -V-
    Cool

    -V- Administrator Staff Member

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    Not really a joke but made me chuckle..

    Screen Shot 2558-03-11 at 8.58.03 PM.png
     
    Nowhereman, Jazz2017, rob and 7 others like this.
  4. debatedude
    No Mood

    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
     
    Tibo, Siam Diesel and judas like this.
  5. judas
    Amused

    judas Thread Starter Lethargic Member

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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
    A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse" he mumbles from behind his mask "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed the young nurse replies "I don't know Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the sheets. She raises his gown hold his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

    She looks at them very closely and says "Sir they look fine there is nothing wrong with them"

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly. "Thank you very much that was wonderful. Now listen very closely."

    "Are-my-test-results-back?"
     
  6. debatedude
    No Mood

    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"
     
  7. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    > A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.'
    >
    > Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
    >
    > The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
    >
    > Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.'
    >
    > A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up.
    >
    > Again Paddy asked for his free sex.
    >
    > The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
    >
    > Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.'
    >

    As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.'
    >
    > Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.'






    --
    michael
    **Updated**
    The Archbishop of Canterbury and
    The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that
    the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
    English Weather.
    Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
    UK population, it will now be referred to as:
    'Muslim Weather'
    (Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
     
    farangmick, PattsVaper, Tibo and 4 others like this.
  8. pierdon
    Relaxed

    pierdon Well-Known Member

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    A guy comes into a pub ans sits at the bar. On the board he sees:
    -Beer 5$
    -Chicken sandwich 8$
    -Handjob 20$
    ...
    Hesitating, he looks at the cute waitress behind the bar who have an amazing cleavage and a pretty nice smile.
    He asks her:
    -"sorry but... for the... handjob... do you personnaly take care of it?"
    She smiles at him and answers:
    -"Yes it's me, handsome man."
    The man then says:
    -"Well... you better wash your hands 3 times before you make my chicken sandwich !"
     
    Tibo, judas, Siam Diesel and 3 others like this.
  9. Tibo
    Relaxed

    Tibo French Hedonist

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    A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

    Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."
    "What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.
    "I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

    "Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"
     
  10. pierdon
    Relaxed

    pierdon Well-Known Member

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    A young student asks his teacher:
    -"What is a "dilemma"?"
    The teacher answers:
    -"Well... Nothing better than an example to illustrate.
    Imagine you have to spend the night in a big bed with an amazingly
    beautiful woman on your left and a old gay pervert on your right...
    Who will you turn your back to?"
     
    Birky, Nanook, Venomx and 2 others like this.
  11. PattsVaper
    Lurking

    PattsVaper Thailand Vapers Member

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    All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
    For example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.
    Similarly, Aleve is Naproxen, Amoxil is short for Amoxicillin, while Advil is Ibuprofen.

    The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

    After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

    Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

    In another announcement, Pfizer Corp. said today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

    Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: Mount & Do.

    Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

    This means that, by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
    SunnyJames, Tibo, Venomx and 4 others like this.
  12. Siam Diesel
    Lurking

    Siam Diesel Nauti Moderator Staff Member

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    CATHOLIC MORNING COFFEE

    Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

    The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

    The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."

    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Holiness'."

    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

    She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
    SLIM & TALL
    40 D Breasts
    24" WAIST and
    34" HIPS

    ..."When she walks into a room, people say,
    "JESUS"

    [​IMG]
     
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  13. debatedude
    No Mood

    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"
     
    rob and Siam Diesel like this.
  14. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around
    in Madrid.

    While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter
    being served at the next table.

    Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

    He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

    The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
    Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
    delicacy!' The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.' The waiter
    replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
    there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your
    order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.' The following day he
    returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only
    special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he
    called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much,
    much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged
    his shoulders and replied,

    'Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins."



    --
     
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  15. Siam Diesel
    Lurking

    Siam Diesel Nauti Moderator Staff Member

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    :vomit::grin:
     
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