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Fancy a chuckle?

Discussion in 'The Thailand Vapers Lounge' started by judas, Mar 11, 2015.

  1. debatedude
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    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
     
  2. debatedude
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    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    A man and his grandson are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. His grandson says, "Grandpa, Can I try some of your cigarettes?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not big enough."
    A few more minutes pass, and the man takes a beer our of his cooler and opens it. The little boy says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?", he says. "No," says the little boy. "Then you're not old enough."

    Time passes and they continue to fish. The little boy gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "Hey they look good. Can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" says the little boy. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather. "Then go **** yourself," says the boy, "These are my cookies!"
     
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  3. Siam Diesel
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    Siam Diesel Nauti Moderator Staff Member

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    :rolling laugh: :rolling laugh: :rolling laugh:
    PMSL
     
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  4. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for "parking."
    He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on.
    He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
    "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?":
    "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
    Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked:
    "And her, what is she doing?"
    The young man shrugged:
    "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
    The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
    "What's your age, young man?"" I'm 22, sir."
    "And her, what's her age?
    The young man looks at his watch and said:
    "She'll be 16 in 20 minutes."

    [​IMG]
     
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  5. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but no body had been found. When giving the closing statement, his high-flying lawyer knew there was a good chance of him being convicted.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” said the lawyer.
    [​IMG]
    “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” And she turned and pointed at the courtroom door.

    The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

    Nothing happened.
    - Advertisement -

    Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt - I saw all of you stare at the door!!”
    [​IMG]
    The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did."

    "But your client didn’t.”
     
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  6. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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  7. debatedude
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    debatedude Mech Moderator Staff Member

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    ^Unless you've lost your mind with advancing age :)
     
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  8. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    An American tourist went on a trip to China. While in China, he was very sexually promiscuous and did not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakened one morning to find his member covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately went to see his doctor.

    The doctor, having never seen anything like that before, ordered some tests and told the man to return in two days for the results. The man returned a couple of days later and the doctor said, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

    The man looked a little relieved and said, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

    [​IMG]
    The doctor answered, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your member."

    The man screamed in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

    The doctor replied, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

    The next day, the man sought out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'd know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examined his member and proclaimed, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

    The guy said to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my member!"

    - Advertisement -

    [​IMG]
    The Chinese doctor shook his head and laughed, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money that way."

    "Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replied.

    "Yes!" said the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself
    **Updated**
    Mary checked into the Starlight motel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

    She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

    She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

    He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce

    a dime off his well-oiled buns .

    She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?”

    Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night, tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!

    Now how does that sound?”

    He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
    **Updated**
    How long do you have wait, to stop this update nonsense ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lol
     
  9. Siam Diesel
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    Siam Diesel Nauti Moderator Staff Member

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    Think you are having a bad day?


    Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

    A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

    It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

    You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

    Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed but keep reading....



    S
    till think you're having a bad day?

    A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

    His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

    While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

    After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

    The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

    As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

    :pleasure: :pleasure: :pleasure:
     
  10. Siam Diesel
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    Siam Diesel Nauti Moderator Staff Member

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    I'm Free

    She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight.

    Are you doing anything?”

    I quickly replied, “Nope, I'm free!"


    "Great," she said. “Can you watch my dog?"



    Being a senior citizen really sucks!
     
  11. Rick O-Shea

    Rick O-Shea iStick Fanboy

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  12. a_spirit
    Angelic

    a_spirit Swedish n00b

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    Hahahaha i think i'll get me one of those


    Skickat från min iPhone med Tapatalk
     
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  13. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.


    After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

    [​IMG]
    True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

    "Benny...Benny..."
    "My gosh... Is that you, Dan?"
    "Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
    "That's wonderful! What's it like?"

    "Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times... then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

    [​IMG]
    Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again".

    "Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!"

    "What heaven? I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."
     
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  14. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A married couple moves into to a new home. After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, "Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?"

    "What do I look like, a plumber?" asks the husband, and goes to sleep.



    A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Honey, my car doesn't start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?"


    [​IMG]
    "What do I look like, a mechanic?" asks the husband with a frown.



    A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, "Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?"



    "What do I look like, a roofer?" asks the husband. "Take care of these things yourself!"



    He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. "When I come back," he says to his wife, "I'd like all these things taken care of."



    He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.



    "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls at his wife.

    [​IMG]
    "Nothing at all." said the wife. "The neighbor popped in and turns out he's a handyman. He said he'd fix the whole thing if I'd just bake him a cake or sleep with him."



    "Wow," said the husband. "What kind of cake did you make him?"



    "What do I look like," exclaims the wife, "a baker?"
     
  15. Rick O-Shea

    Rick O-Shea iStick Fanboy

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