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Fancy a chuckle?

Discussion in 'The Thailand Vapers Lounge' started by judas, Mar 11, 2015.

  1. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.


    Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?" They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

    "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

    [​IMG]
    Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.

    "Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


    "No problem - I'll let him know," says Goldberg.
    **Updated**
    The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.


    "Can I help you?" she asked.

    "I want to see Natalie," the man replied.

    "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

    [​IMG]
    "No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply.

    Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

    The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

    The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man.

    [​IMG]
    "No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

    The man replied, "South Carolina."

    "Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

    "I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
     
  2. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A blonde lady and a gentleman were out on a romantic date one night, when they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' and started to make out a little. The gentleman thought that things were going extremely well and he was getting his hopes up for a good end to the night, so he thought that he would ask her if she would like to move to the back seat of his corvette.

    [​IMG]
    ''No!'' said the blonde.
    The guy just figured that she was playing hard to get. So, when things began to heat up again he thought that he would ask her once more.
    ''NO!'' yelled the blonde again.
    Things got even hotter the blonde was down to her bra. And the gentleman noticed that his own pants were unzipped.
    ''Do you want to go to the back seat now?'' asked the gentleman, in a tone more hopeful than certain.
    [​IMG]
    ''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde.
    Frustrated, the gentleman asked, ''Well, why the heck not??''
    The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I want to stay here with you!'
     
  3. farangmick
    Worried

    farangmick Well-Known Member

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    I sort of thank you @Jayz . Can't stop playing the bloody song when I turn the laptop on. And the kids love the video I found of "Devil went down to Georgia".
     
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  4. Jayz

    Jayz Well-Known Member

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    Yay someone liked it :p


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  5. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    The doctor of an 80-year-old woman had finally retired. Therefore, at the elderly lady's next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

    As the young doctor was looking through them, his eyes grew wide as he realized that the little old Grandmother had a prescription for birth control pills.

    "Mrs. Smith, you do realize that these are birth control pills?"


    "Yes, doctor. They really help me sleep at night."

    [​IMG]
    "Mrs. Smith", he said, flabbergasted, "I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"


    The old lady reached out and patted the innocent, young doctor’s knee:

    - Advertisement -

    “Yes, dear. I understand. But believe me. They definitely help me sleep at night...”

    “...You see, every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old granddaughter drinks!
     
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  6. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.

    The kindly medical professional asked her, "What seems to be the problem, dear?"


    [​IMG]
    She said, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much.

    "My farts never smell, and are always silent.

    "As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

    The doctor said, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
    [​IMG]
    The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.

    "Doctor," she said, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly..."

    The doctor said: "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
     
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  7. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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  8. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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  9. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    > Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
    > pearly gates.
    >
    > 'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
    > possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
    >
    > The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
    > He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
    >
    > 'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
    >
    > The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
    > shook them and said, ‘They're bells.'
    >
    > Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
    >
    > The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and
    > finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
    >
    > St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
    > what do these supposed to symbolise?'
    >
    > The Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
    >
    > ……. And So The Christmas Season Begins.
     
  10. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

    [​IMG]
    When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

    The blonde nodded... "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

    [​IMG]
    "From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

    "No, from skipping."
    **Updated**
    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.


    He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.

    He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

    [​IMG]
    "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

    "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my… umm… member into the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

    "Yes, I did."

    "My God, Bill, what happened?"

    "I got fired."

    [​IMG]
    "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh - she got fired too."
     
  11. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    John worked hard for his living and his wife decided that he deserved a treat for his birthday, so she blindfolded him and took him to a local strip club.


    The doorman at the club greeted them and said, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"

    Once inside, his wife removed the blindfold but she was puzzled and asked if he'd been to this club before.

    [​IMG]

    "Oh no," said John. "He's one of the security guys I meet on my business trips."

    When they were seated, a waitress asked John if he'd like his usual and brought over a Budweiser.

    His wife was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and said, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

    "I recognize her, she's the waitress at the bar around the corner from work. I always drop in and have a Bud on Fridays, honey.”

    A stripper then came over to their table, threw her arms around John, started to rub herself all over him and said, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

    John's wife, now furious, grabbed her purse and stormed out of the club. John followed and spotted her getting into a cab. Before she could slam the door, he jumped in beside her.

    [​IMG]
    John tried desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife was having none of it. She was screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

    The cabby turned around and said, "Geez John, you picked up a real piece of work this time."
     
  12. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.

    Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.

    The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.


    [​IMG]
    The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York."

    Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.

    Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”

    [​IMG]
    The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

    The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.

    She immediately got up and said, "okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.

    The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

    [​IMG]
    He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."
     
  13. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    My wife came down from having a bath, gave me a wink and said, "I shaved my pussy in the bath and you know what that means?"
    I said, "The plug hole is blocked?"



    I was chatting to a bird in a nightclub.

    She whispered, "do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a polo?"

    I said "Oh yes" .

    When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped..

    She said, " surprised?" I said "Totally.

    I thought you meant the mint not the fuging hatchback!
     
  14. Konvict
    Relaxed

    Konvict ProVari Moderator

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    Or should it be...
    I said, "Your plug hole is unblocked?"
    :chinrub::grin:
     
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  15. kevin bangkok

    kevin bangkok Well-Known Member

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    A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
    A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.

    “Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”


    [​IMG]

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.”

    He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

    Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his testicles, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.

    She raised his gown, held his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

    Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren't. And I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them!!”

    The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:

    “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely....

    “A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”
     
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